Do you actually know what you're saying????

I admit it. I did not watch the Miss USA Pageant on Sunday. I haven't watched it since the year I volunteered for the pageant the year it was held in my hometown in the early 1990s.

Although I missed the whole Miss California .v. Perez Hilton debacle, I have read some posted "backlash" in various places online. My following tirade has little to do with Miss California's or Perez Hilton's opinions. Oh well, it happened.

I am bothered most by the sheer ignorance behind many of the online comments. Here are my comments in return.

First of all, to those of you touting “Separation of Church and State”, I ask you this: Have you read the history of the beginning of this country?

Our First Amendment states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; ” In Britain, the church was sanctioned by the government, with King George as ruler of the country AND head of the church.

The First Amendment was written to prevent the government from exerting control over individual rights of religion - not the other way around. This is why James Madison said: The civil rights of none shall be abridged on account of religious belief or worship, nor shall any national religion be established,

Good ol' Thomas Jefferson put it this way: religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his god, [the people, in the 1st Amendment,] declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between church and state.

It hasn't stopped our government from trying... or even succeeding sometimes. Anybody heard a morning prayer in school lately?

Secondly, to those of you begging for “tolerance” or shouting against “intolerance”: Do you actually know what that word means??

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

TOLERANCE 1: capacity to endure pain or hardship : endurance, fortitude, stamina2 a: sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one’s own b: the act of allowing something : toleration

In other words: “put up with” “stomach” “bear” "face despite fear" "deal with". It does not mean “accept” “believe” “embrace”.

I believe tolerance is quite misunderstood. Tolerance is over-rated. Many claim "to have tolerance" is to "live and let live". That's like telling my second grader that 2+2=5.

Tolerance can only go so far - even with things we love. I can eat an entire 1 lb box of chocolates... but my body won't tolerate it. A river must have its banks, an ocean its shores.

It is ignorance that drives the beliefs and opinions of many in this country. Therefore, all I ask is that you know what you’re saying before you spout off.

How can I overcome Grief & Stress

and become a Functional Human Being again??

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I know - it sounds strange but grief and stress have overwhelmed my life over these past few years.

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Just since January 2003, I have

• lost more than eight family members (five of those were grandparents - my husband's and mine - during the year my daughter was in kindergarten)
• stood by my husband as he battled thyroid cancer
• tried my best to be helpful, yet inconspicuous, after my sister-in-law's suicide
• spent two plus years battling infertility
• began some home renovation
• scrimped and saved when my husband's job ended and his new employment was a 35% cut in net pay
• finally gave in - quit trying to get pregnant and took a full-time job to bring in extra income
• had a positive pregnancy test less than 2 weeks later
• worked 50+ hours weekly for 7 months trying to straighten out 3 years of mis-managment by my predecessor (and having morning sickness the whole time)
• gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who, at three years old, makes me laugh daily
• had two major "blow-outs" with a best friend who quit speaking to me- the 1st lasted 18 months during which we both gave birth to baby boys and the 2nd has lasted approximately 4 months. (I'm sure that will be a topic for a future entry)
• held it together while my husband worked more than a year on a contract basis before being hired by his present employer (where he's much happier)

I could go on ... but I won't.

Now, at the beginning of 2009, I'm finally seeing a flicker of light shining down into my deep dark hole of despair. That little light gives me hope that one day I'll get out of here: enjoy my family, smile more often and rescue my house from this flood of dirty clothes, dishes, unfinished projects and renovations and clutter, clutter and CR@P!!!

I'm actually a fairly social person and I love to entertain. It's been approximately 6 years since I have comfortably opened my home to anyone. My daughter's playmates are not allowed inside my home. My unexpected guests are chatted with on the front porch or the back yard. I want to have friends over to play games, watch movies, cook-out, break bread....

I do not like this stranger I've become. This bitter, tired, angry, depressed old woman. I miss Me. My family misses Me. My son has never known Me and my daughter is quickly forgetting the Me that was her Mommie in the early years.

I want to play with my kids, host sleepovers, sleep at night and relax the everpresent tension in my face. I want to be able to hire a sitter and spend an evening out with my husband.

I've recently begun a Grief Care course at my church. We've been encouraged to journal through this time. So, here I am, blogging away.

The number one thing I've learned so far has become my newest filosofy:

My grief is my own - to deal with
as I can and need to.

I can not and will not progress
according to anyone's schedule or expectation.

My Sadness for Caylee Anthony

From the day Caylee Anthony’s "missing person" report was filed in July, I knew she was dead.

Oh how I hoped I was wrong. Hoped that Casey had given, or even sold, her to someone whose heart longed for the unattainable... someone who desperately wanted to raise a child but was not so blessed.

My husband thinks I’m obsessed - TIVOing Nancy Grace and reading up on the case on-line. It's just a "Mommie" thing. Or perhaps it's just a "Fia" thing.

Perhaps I feel connected because I was pregnant with Collin at the same time Casey was carrying Caylee. Collin and Caylee were born exactly one week apart. But I have to wonder if we have more in common.

How did Casey feel when her stick test said "positive"?? I'm sure her pregnancy was nearly as big a surprise to her as mine was to me. I know my emotions ranged from shock and hyperventilation to the untold joy that such an unfathomable miracle would happen to me. I had worked to conceive for three years. Shots, pills, ultrasounds, money... I'd finally given up and gone back on the pill for medical reasons.

Money was very tight due to Guy's recent and unplanned job changes. I conceded and accepted a new position - but not before the finances made me choose between my pills or another medication. I chose the other medication because the chances of me conceiving without medical intervention were "slim to none". Ten days into my new job - "Slim" announced his impending arrival.

Did Casey rush to announce the news to the entire world? Or did she hide the fact under her "fat" clothes for as long as possible? Did she experience awe and joy when she felt Caylee moving about inside her? Or did she complain about being fat, just "praying" for it all to end soon? Was she excited as her due-date approached? Did she nest? Did she love the warmth and yummy smell of her cuddly newborn? Or did she pass her off to "grandma" as often as possible?

I cannot look at photos/videos of Caylee without thinking of my son in the same instant. Every time Collin achieves a new milestone, I remember that Caylee will never "be potty trained", dress herself, tell jokes...

Therefore, I resolve to find joy in the everyday things of my children. Normally rambunctious Collin resorts to whispering the truth when he knows he's in "big big trouble". Elizabeth mothers Collin when he's hurt, tired or sleepy and then turns around and hollers at him in a moment of "big sister" frustrations. The sounds from the backyard when the two are making up new games together on their trampoline.

I resolve to live more in the moment and not in the future. I will spend more time snuggling than sending them away with a "not now, Mommie's busy". I want to read to them, dance with them, play with them, sing with them.

I want their memories of me to be filled with love and joy. I don’t want imagine the memories that Caylee held of her "mother" and how confusion and terror filled her last moments.

I try not to feel vindictive or vengeful. Well, - maybe not too hard at this moment.

For now, I would simply like to see Casey Anthony out of solitary confinement and released into a general population of prisoner parents who, for whatever reason, are locked away for life from the children they long to hold.