Do you actually know what you're saying????

I admit it. I did not watch the Miss USA Pageant on Sunday. I haven't watched it since the year I volunteered for the pageant the year it was held in my hometown in the early 1990s.

Although I missed the whole Miss California .v. Perez Hilton debacle, I have read some posted "backlash" in various places online. My following tirade has little to do with Miss California's or Perez Hilton's opinions. Oh well, it happened.

I am bothered most by the sheer ignorance behind many of the online comments. Here are my comments in return.

First of all, to those of you touting “Separation of Church and State”, I ask you this: Have you read the history of the beginning of this country?

Our First Amendment states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; ” In Britain, the church was sanctioned by the government, with King George as ruler of the country AND head of the church.

The First Amendment was written to prevent the government from exerting control over individual rights of religion - not the other way around. This is why James Madison said: The civil rights of none shall be abridged on account of religious belief or worship, nor shall any national religion be established,

Good ol' Thomas Jefferson put it this way: religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his god, [the people, in the 1st Amendment,] declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between church and state.

It hasn't stopped our government from trying... or even succeeding sometimes. Anybody heard a morning prayer in school lately?

Secondly, to those of you begging for “tolerance” or shouting against “intolerance”: Do you actually know what that word means??

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

TOLERANCE 1: capacity to endure pain or hardship : endurance, fortitude, stamina2 a: sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one’s own b: the act of allowing something : toleration

In other words: “put up with” “stomach” “bear” "face despite fear" "deal with". It does not mean “accept” “believe” “embrace”.

I believe tolerance is quite misunderstood. Tolerance is over-rated. Many claim "to have tolerance" is to "live and let live". That's like telling my second grader that 2+2=5.

Tolerance can only go so far - even with things we love. I can eat an entire 1 lb box of chocolates... but my body won't tolerate it. A river must have its banks, an ocean its shores.

It is ignorance that drives the beliefs and opinions of many in this country. Therefore, all I ask is that you know what you’re saying before you spout off.

How can I overcome Grief & Stress

and become a Functional Human Being again??

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I know - it sounds strange but grief and stress have overwhelmed my life over these past few years.

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Just since January 2003, I have

• lost more than eight family members (five of those were grandparents - my husband's and mine - during the year my daughter was in kindergarten)
• stood by my husband as he battled thyroid cancer
• tried my best to be helpful, yet inconspicuous, after my sister-in-law's suicide
• spent two plus years battling infertility
• began some home renovation
• scrimped and saved when my husband's job ended and his new employment was a 35% cut in net pay
• finally gave in - quit trying to get pregnant and took a full-time job to bring in extra income
• had a positive pregnancy test less than 2 weeks later
• worked 50+ hours weekly for 7 months trying to straighten out 3 years of mis-managment by my predecessor (and having morning sickness the whole time)
• gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who, at three years old, makes me laugh daily
• had two major "blow-outs" with a best friend who quit speaking to me- the 1st lasted 18 months during which we both gave birth to baby boys and the 2nd has lasted approximately 4 months. (I'm sure that will be a topic for a future entry)
• held it together while my husband worked more than a year on a contract basis before being hired by his present employer (where he's much happier)

I could go on ... but I won't.

Now, at the beginning of 2009, I'm finally seeing a flicker of light shining down into my deep dark hole of despair. That little light gives me hope that one day I'll get out of here: enjoy my family, smile more often and rescue my house from this flood of dirty clothes, dishes, unfinished projects and renovations and clutter, clutter and CR@P!!!

I'm actually a fairly social person and I love to entertain. It's been approximately 6 years since I have comfortably opened my home to anyone. My daughter's playmates are not allowed inside my home. My unexpected guests are chatted with on the front porch or the back yard. I want to have friends over to play games, watch movies, cook-out, break bread....

I do not like this stranger I've become. This bitter, tired, angry, depressed old woman. I miss Me. My family misses Me. My son has never known Me and my daughter is quickly forgetting the Me that was her Mommie in the early years.

I want to play with my kids, host sleepovers, sleep at night and relax the everpresent tension in my face. I want to be able to hire a sitter and spend an evening out with my husband.

I've recently begun a Grief Care course at my church. We've been encouraged to journal through this time. So, here I am, blogging away.

The number one thing I've learned so far has become my newest filosofy:

My grief is my own - to deal with
as I can and need to.

I can not and will not progress
according to anyone's schedule or expectation.