- lost more than eight family members (five of those were grandparents - my husband's and mine - during the year my daughter was in kindergarten)
- stood by my husband as he battled thyroid cancer
- tried my best to be helpful, yet inconspicuous, after my sister-in-law's suicide
- spent two plus years battling infertility
- began some home renovation
- scrimped and saved when my husband's job ended and his new employment was a 35% cut in net pay
- finally gave in - quit trying to get pregnant and took a full-time job to bring in extra income
- had a positive pregnancy test less than 2 weeks later
- worked 50+ hours weekly for 7 months trying to straighten out 3 years of mis-managment by my predecessor (and having morning sickness the whole time)
- gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who, at three years old, makes me laugh daily
- had two major "blow-outs" with a best friend who quit speaking to me- the 1st lasted 18 months during which we both gave birth to baby boys and the 2nd has lasted approximately 4 months. (I'm sure that will be a topic for a future entry)
- held it together while my husband worked more than a year on a contract basis before being hired by his present employer (where he's much happier)
I could go on ... but I won't.
Now, at the beginning of 2009, I'm finally seeing a flicker of light shining down into my deep dark hole of despair. That little light gives me hope that one day I'll get out of here: enjoy my family, smile more often and rescue my house from this flood of dirty clothes, dishes, unfinished projects and renovations and clutter, clutter and CR@P!!!
I'm actually a fairly social person and I love to entertain. It's been approximately 6 years since I have comfortably opened my home to anyone. My daughter's playmates are not allowed inside my home. My unexpected guests are chatted with on the front porch or the back yard. I want to have friends over to play games, watch movies, cook-out, break bread....
I do not like this stranger I've become. This bitter, tired, angry, depressed old woman. I miss Me. My family misses Me. My son has never known Me and my daughter is quickly forgetting the Me that was her Mommie in the early years.
I want to play with my kids, host sleepovers, sleep at night and relax the everpresent tension in my face. I want to be able to hire a sitter and spend an evening out with my husband.
I've recently begun a Grief Care course at my church. We've been encouraged to journal through this time. So, here I am, blogging away.
The number one thing I've learned so far has become my newest filosofy:
My grief is my own - to deal with
as I can and need to.
I can not and will not progress
according to anyone's schedule or expectation.